Phat Humor

1. During an inspiring moment.

2. After watching a really lousy play so you can make the actors feel good about themselves. Then after clapping say "Oh wait, I was clapping because I just had the best dream ever about *Insert Hot Actor/Actress's name*."

3. After hearing about someone getting shot and killed.

4. In front of Hitler's Grave.

5. When someone completes a simple task.



Those are 5 ways to clap.

Why am I writing about such a weird, unfunny topic you may ask? Well, lately, it seems I have no motivation to do anything.

That's right! I don't have any motivation for anything. I don't have motivation for work, this website, and hell, I'll say it...to even eat! That's a lot coming from a fat blob like myself.

However, I enjoy using this blog as a personal online diary because, well hey, I get pretty lonely and I sometimes like to rant about random stuff. Who doesn't?

Hahaha...So, is this random enough for ya? Am I just to damn awesome?

Honestly, I'm just typing random shit right now and I don't mean one word of it. So yeah, there you go, motivation!

We understand all of you come here to read our hilarious articles and anecdotes, but we're just too damn lazy to write them.

I understand we haven't updated in almost a month, but you can't blame that on our laziness. You see, we spent that month doing hard work. What work you ask? Well, we had to sit on our asses, eat chips and pizza, and sleep almost every hour of everyday.

So hopefully you know why we haven't updated in a while.

A lot of things have many weird names. Celebrity babies, animals, and cities are just naming a few. Today we'll look at NBA teams.

Some NBA teams have awesome names.

Detroit Pistons - A Piston is a compenent in pumps in engines. That's very manly.
Memphis Grizzlies - A grizzly is a freakin' bear! A bear!

That was just naming a few.

Unfortunately, some sport teams have the weirdest/gayest names in the world!

Utah Jazz - This one explains itself.
Orlando Magic - This one also explains itself.

Yup, he sure is Magic.

Okay, here's the deal. We aren't really sorry, we were just really lazy and we were too slowed down by massive amount of chips and doughnuts.

So, don't worry, we're still alive and kickin'. In fact, we're gonna write a 10 part article and release it all right now to make up for us being so freakin' lazy.

Eh, actually, we'll get to that...mmm...those doughnuts look so tempting...

I know somebody. This person isn't just an ordinary person. He's a roomaholic.

That's right, this person is always in his room. He never leaves his room. Not even for school. That's also right. He doesn't go to school because he is so preoccupied in his room.

He rarely gets fresh air. The only time he can even possibly receive fresh air is when he sticks his head outside a window to smoke. And even then, he is just inhaling toxic chemicals. So, yeah, no fresh air.

This person only leaves his room to eat and smoke. He set a bathroom limit to three times per day because he needs to go back to his room.

He doesn't even work. He expects everyone to do everything for him, then when he is asked to do something, he doesn't.

But wait, he just left. To go somewhere! Even for a short time, he went somewhere! Oh, how I rejoice in the fact that he went somewhere!

(If you or someone you love suffers from being a Roomaholic, then kick them out of the house.)

Holy Shit! This kid seriously must be the luckiest kid ever. I bet he found a million $100 bills right after the show. Seriously, this is ridiculous.

To whoever created this in Photoshop...we have no idea how this popped into your head, but you are brilliant.

1. Super loud so that you annoy anyone around you.

2. While blowing a lot of bubbles and popping them so that you can annoy anyone around you.

3. Chew it annoyingly then when someone gets irritated and yells at you to stop tell them you are trying to quit smoking because the lung cancer can come back so you need to chew nicotine gum but it's not working and that is why you are chewing loud.

4. To summarize number 3: Make someone feel guilty.

5. While going on Phat Humor.

Those are 5 ways to chew gum.

We are making a Phat Humor Forum. It is in the making right now. It will be released soon. You better join it.

To write for us, the most awesome, prestigious, cool, well we can go on and on but anyways...You can now write for us! Or at least try to! Just fill out the form, and make sure you set the subject as "Other." Be sure to write any experience (It's okay if you don't have any), and a sample 500 word (minimum) article on any humor topic. We're looking for more writers so c'mon, we'll practically take anyone.

So, do you notice anything different? If not, get your eyes checked please!.
We added a brand new template to Phat Humor! Enjoy it, as it is so much better than before!

Not now, maybe later! Contests are coming soon...

As stated in the before post, we are adding major changes to Phat Humor. This post is a list of some of the things we are changing for you guys.

We are adding many things. Here are some things that are changing:

-We are adding an official Phat Humor Forum
-We are adding new writers
-We are on a campaign to get more site traffic

We are adding more things, those are just a select few.

That silly old writer who created Phat Humor has a new sidekick! I do not refer to myself as a sidekick to a writer named, "Admin," Seriously, b0nd is such a badass name.


I'm so much better than Admin, correct? I believe so. Well anyways, I'm a new writer for Phat Humor, so you will definately see more of me!

Yup, it's one of those days. We get ready to sit down at our computers or laptops, have our Carpal Tunnel Wristbands securely placed on our wrists, but we're missing one thing. Ideas!

Damn you writer's block! Damn you to hell! How do you expect us to write quality content if you show up announounced. Next time you stop by, at least give us a weeks notice. You can't expect to show up on our doorsteps ready to block our nerdy ideas from flowing out of our gigantic brains.

Dammit writer's block, you just made me go offtopic! I FU**ING hat you! Dammit, I just misspelled hate by forgetting the 'e'!

If you, the reader, haven't already noticed, I'm just babbling on and on because of writer's block! Erg, even typing those words gets me all riled up and angry!

In order to bring in new visitors, we have started a 2 month campaign to advertise and possibly accumulate new visitors to Phat Humor! With that said, we are pleased to inform any reader we have that we have started major site changes today! We will still update with content, but not as frequently as before. We hope to add many new things to the site! Check back for a new post containing everything we are adding to this site!

As you may have noticed, we are not getting views on this site. Now that I think about it, I believe we don't even have one reader!

No matter! We will keep going until the very end (As you may have noticed, we have no lives!) All websites didn't start off with 1000 viewers a day and we sure haven't as well. Just putting that out there.

April Fools is a great day! It occurs on April 1st, every year. We have generated a great list of the Top 5 Best April Fools Pranks Ever!


5. The Taco Liberty Bell

1996: Taco Bell announced back in 1996 that they bought the Liberty Bell and they decided to rename it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundereds (Wow, only hundreds huh? I guess people liked the idea...) of pissed of citizens called the National Historic park in Philedelphia to express their pissyness. They were only one step away from blowing a fuse when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours later, that it was all a practical joke. The real puncher is when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale. He responded by saying that the Lincoln Memorial had been sold and renamed as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial (and ZING!)

4. Nixon for President

1992: National Public Radio's Talk of the Nation program announced that Richard Nixon was again, running for President of the United States. Get this, his slogan was "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again!" With this announcement came an audio speech of Nixon announcing his candidacy. Many listeners flooded the show with expressions of outrage and shock. During the second half of the show they announced it was fake. Nixon's voice was impersonated by Rich Little.

3. Flying Penguins

2008: The BBC announced that it's filming crew for the show Miracles of Evolution had captured a video of Adélie penguins flying in the air. (They were probably like, "HOLY SHIT!") They even offer a video of the penguins. The announcer on the show explained that the penguins fly to the rainforests of South America to escape the harsh winters.

2. Bombs Away!

1915: On April 1st, 1915, in the midst of WWI (Or as we like to say it, World War FUN!), the a French plane flew over a German Camp and dropped something that appeared to be a bomb. The German soldiers immediatly scattered like little bunnies. After they realized there wasn't a boom, a soldier went to go check on the object. They found a large football with a note attacthed to it saying "April Fools!" (Damn, the French were so cool back then...now...we don't even want to go there.)

1. 15th Annual New York City April Fools Parade

2000: A News Release sent to the Media said that the 15th Annual New York City April Fools Parade was scheduled to begin at noon on 59th Street and would proceed down to Fifth Avenue. There were many floats the depicted world hoaxes, according to the report. CNN and the FOX affiliate WNYW sent news crews to cover the parade. They arrived at 59th Street but there was no sign of a parade. They then knew they were pranked (Seriously, who didn't see that coming?) This hoax was the work of proffesional pranker, Joey Skaggs . Skaggs had been issuing press releases advertising the nonexistent parade every April Fool's Day since 1986.

Source for all of these from: http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/aprilfool/

1. With $100,000 in your hand or wallet.

2. While holding a cute puppy.

3. Without holding a fat mouse.

4. Without making out with your other girlfriend.

5. With your little brother you take care for because he is confined to a wheelchair after a serious sledding injury.


Those are 5 Ways to Ask Out a Girl.

1. With an exclamation mark. (The irony is, I didn't use an exclamation mark at the end of that sentence!) (Well I did add an exclamation mark at the end of the first sentence in parenthesis and that was kinda funny too because the sentence that ends with the exclamation mark talks about the sentence before it not ending with an exclamation mark.)

2. Make your brain explode by a parasitic brain exploder.

3. With a bomb.

4. Without a bomb squad.

5. With a bomb strapped to your boss.



Those are the Top 5 Ways to Explode!

1. With swimming shorts.

2. Nude.

3. With a ducky floaty.

4. With no arms.

5. With a hot bikini girls and one who is not so hot who is also kind of fat and you just wish she left but unfortunately the fat bikini girl is best friends with the hot bikini girls and you really wanna bang the hot bikini girl but the fat bikini girl is a 3rd wheel. You then ask the hot bikini girl out and fat bikini girl automatically retorts with "I can go too!" And then you say, "you know what world, you've got me cornered again."


Those are the Top 5 Ways to Swim.

We all remember high school right? The best years of our lives. Well we have compiled a list of reasons why high school wasn't as great as everybody thought.

3. High School Years are the Greatest Years of your Life

Think about it. When you were in high school it was so easy to make friends and you pretty much got along with everyone. Now think about the real world. Everyone tries to screw you over to benefit themselves.

After high school, everything goes downhill. Your parents kick you out, you need a job to pay bills, and you most likely start doing drugs.

Welcome! You have started reading the Coolness Guide! This guide will teach you in depth how to be cool. First their are a couple of things we must go over.

We are going to start off by giving you a little quiz. Ready? Okay!

1. What do you like better?

A) Star Trek
B) Football
C) Preppy Clothes

2. Would you rather...

A) Do Homework
B) Kiss a Girl

3. >c² = a² + b² is...

A) A Geometric Theorem
B) I don't know man

If you answered A to any of the above questions, chances are you look like this:

Actually, this guy is smoking, so may be even uncooler than him

Don't worry! Now that you've identified yourself as a nerd, you must do the unthinkable. GET RID OF ALL OF YOUR TECH STUFF! Look at the picture below, that is how you probably look now.

Now that you don't have the stuff of a nerd, stop watching T.V. altogether unless you watch sports.

Start going to the gym three times a week to build some strength so you can beat that one guys ass in school who picks on you. That will definitely make you look cool!

Buy some preppy clothes and wear them.

There you go! If you followed all of these unfunny steps correctly you should have transformed from this:

To this:

Timberbee, FL- A local woman, has decided to she wanted to play a video game.

"I just got bored." Linda Berger said after completing the first level of Super Mario Brothers after losing 73 lives. She stated it was fun, but she doesn't see herself playing a lot more.

"I really liked the game," Berger stated. "But after a while, this weird turtle thing was really icky, so I got scared and turned it off." Another rare occurrence, as women find it really hard to turn off a game without pulling the wires.. "Then I started to play again," Berger added. "I learned that if I press that button there I would jump. After I jumped, I landed on the icky turtle and he went in his shell." She also added that she kicked the shell, a mistake she now regrets.

"I kicked the icky turtle shell and it hit a wall and bounced back at me! I was very surprised."

When asked about why she was bored she commented by saying, "I got done cleaning the kitchen and I decided to go on the Internet to shop for these fabulous shoes I saw at Macy's.

Berger has not been the first reported case of a woman who played a video game. A recent study shows 56% of all housewives had tried their husband's or son's video games and 21% of them played more than once.

When asked about if she would continue on through the game or play a new game, Berger responded by saying "Eh, I think I'll stick to Nintendogs and Tetris."

Oh my word (Who says that anymore?) This video is very very very very very very very funny.



We guarantee you will laugh at this video.

Remember this image that was floating around the Internet like a year ago?

This Swedish artist has digitally edited the photos he took. They look sweet!

These are very cool!

It's the Snow Kitty!





Isn't it adorable?

There are really good songs out there with really meaningful lyrics. But some of the songs out there make no sense whatsoever. We have compiled a list of these songs so get ready to be confused.

4. My Humps by: Black Eyed Peas

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out)

What we think it means: Damn girl, you got some nice fecal matter inside of your anus!

What it probably means: Damn girl, you got a nice ass!

Man. We really did not get any of that. The first part of the lyrics: Seriously, does he mean he likes all the crap that's inside her? (Yes, we do mean feces.) If you read the lyrics closely, that's what we think he's implying.

I don't understand how love can get you drunk. Love has alcohol in it?

3. Pocketful of Sunshine by: Natasha Bedingfield

I got a pocket,
Got a pocket full of sunshine
I got a love and I know that it's all mine
Oh, oh, oh
Do what you want,
But you never gonna break me,
Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me
Oh, oh, oh

What we think it means: I have a pocket with solar panels that have absorbed sunlight already.

What it probably means: Don't worry, you can't put me down because I'm optimistic.

Do we even have to explain this one? She has a pocket, and she put sunshine in it. Does she mean she has solar panels that have sunlight energy stored in the panels in her pocket? That's literally the only way she can put sunshine in her pocket.

The sticks and stones part also don't make sense. Yeah, people probably aren't gonna be scared by sticks and stones anyways. Nowadays it's guns or war.

2. Lollipop Remix by: Lil Wayne and Kanye West

Why would she, she probably be the odd cookie in the plastic bag
Bout to be crushed by a building
I flushed out the feeling of me being the shit
Cause I was leaving skid marks on everywhere I sit
I am everywhere, I'm it
Like hide and go
And I can go anywhere
Eeny, meeny, miney, moe
I'm in yo
Neighborhood area
See these things
Take that
iPod, your girlfriend

What we think it means: An odd cookie in a plastic bag is gonna be crushed by a building.

What it probably means: We have no idea.

Wow! This whole song is a mess of pointless words strung one after another. It was really tough, but we think we've picked the worst verse of the song to use as an example.

The part where he talks about a cookie in a plastic bag about to get crushed by a building is pretty damn funny! What the hell does he even mean when he says that? We're pretty sure he didn't really mean a cookie being crushed by a building, we believe it could possibly be an analogy. If you figure it out, please tell us! We would like to know!

1. I Get Money by: 50 Cent

I take quarter water sold it in bottles for 2 bucks,
Coca-Cola came and bought it
For billions, what the f**k?
Have a baby by me; baby
Be a millionaire
I write the check before the baby comes,
Who the f**k cares
Im stanky rich
Ima die tryna spend this shit
Southside's up in in this bitch
Yeah i smell like the vault
I used to sell dope

What we think it means: I'm so freakin' rich!

What it probably means: I'm so freakin' rich!

The only point of this song is purely bragging rights. Of how 50 Cent went from selling drugs to getting millions and billions from Vitamin Water and his songs. Why would people like this song if all he sings about is him having WAY more money than you?

He even says "I used to be stanky rich, I'ma die trying to spend this shit." So instead of donating to charity or inner city youths, he's gonna die with all his money.

This turtle has one weird sex noise. Watch the below video and prepare to be disgusted by this weird moan this turtle emits.

The geniuses at College Humor added the 7th installment to their very funny and popular Prank War series. Everything in the below video is 100% real.

The previous two articles (and those are the first two) are mainly centered around the Kool-Aid Guy. Why you ask? We have created a simple list to explain.

1. He's a freaking pitcher. Come on, if you knew a pitcher that could come to life, would you not be obsessed with it?
2. We do not know. We simply do not know why we carry this Kool-Aid Guy obsession.
   

Seriously now, what's up with the Kool-Aid Guy? (Yes, that is us restating the title exactly.)

Basic Background Information:
Lets see, he's a freaking pitcher filled with red liquid. Sometimes he's naked, and sometimes he wears jean shorts (So outta style) with an unbuttoned yellow shirt (Or possibly a yellow jacket, nobody knows for sure.)

These are the two forms of the Kool-Aid Guy.

What He Does:

The Kool-Aid Guy has a great job. He runs around to find random children he can hang out with. When he spots his prey, he usually jumps in through a wall, breaking it. While he is jumping in the wall, he screams "Oh Yeah," (In a sexual manner, we believe.)


What's Up With Him?

If you guys can't figure out what's up with this sick, twisted pitcher from the above reading, then this might convince you.

He spells his first name which is pronounced "cool," like Kool. Seriously he doesn't even know how to spell. So if you see your child drinking Kool-Aid, stop them. Why you ask? Because your child is drinking the Kool-Aid Guy's body juices which probably include his urine.

Phat Humor started out on a primitive 12kb flash drive in 1939.

It looked a little something like this...

The 12kb was a list of jokes. Back then however, people were skeptical of new things. They thought kb stood for killbots, so they quickly shunned the idea. One man however, bought 400 of Phat Humor Flash Drives, thinking they were killbots. Guess who, in 1939, would buy so many things that were thought to be killbots? If you guessed the Kool-Aid Guy, you were right.

That's the face of pure evil!

The Kool-Aid Guy then sued Phat Humor inc. for $30. Then Phat Humor sued Kool-Aid Guy because his powder doesn't add enough flavor to the water. Phat Humor was sued, but so was the Kool-Aid Guy. We still have beef with the Kool-Aid Guy.

After Phat Humor inc. went out of business in 1942, the head CEO began to drink himself to an early grave. He died 20 years later of old age (We had to add that alcohol thing, you know, to keep you interested. But if anyone asks, it did happen that way.)

Then 67 years later, a group of fat, lazy nerds started up a website titled Phat Humor. On the navigation bar there was a page titled "About Us," and they didn't know what to put there. So they made up some farfetched story about the history of the site.

That's basically us.

There you go, that's the history of Phat Humor. If we have the imagination, we may tell you more hidden things that happened in that 67 year timespan. (We are basically saying that if we aren't lazy enough we will make a part two that is also totally made up.)